I’ve moved…

Hi everyone!

This is just a quick note to say that after a few years away from blogging, I’ve decided to set up again over at http://www.andadditionally.com if anyone wants to come over and check it out!

Why I’m Grateful To My Anxiety

I think this is the first time I’ve written about mental health on this blog, so its a bit of a tricky post to write. I want to start by saying that by saying I’m ‘grateful’ to my experience with anxiety I’m not diminishing the impact it can have on people’s lives – it can be utterly shit, and people suffer from it in many different ways. Instead, I’m trying to highlight some of the ‘good’ things that have come out of anxiety for me – always look on the bright side and all that!

For a little bit of context, I first remember having anxiety badly when I was in year 7 or 8 – I was suddenly scared to leave my house or parents, struggling to walk to school and function when I wasn’t with my parents. I ended up having counselling for a year or so and then kept it under control until the last couple of years when it got bad enough again for me to see another counsellor at college. In my experience, when you’re struggling with anxiety or depression or anything like that, it can be so hard to motivate yourself to try and get better – it can be difficult to get out of bed, to see a counsellor, to listen to what the counsellor is telling you. One thing I’m incredibly proud of is that I’ve almost always been open to trying to get better – and one time when I was struggling to care I was able to recognise that this was different to how I’d felt before, and that I needed to see somebody.

But onto the title of this post – why I’m grateful to have had an experience of anxiety, especially as young as I was. Granted, it probably would’ve been preferable to go through life with no mental health issues at all, but I’m sceptical that anybody has that experience.

One major thing anxiety and counselling taught me is strategies – for overcoming the voice inside my head, for pushing myself out of my comfort zone and for doing the things that scare me. When I was 11 or 12 and first having counselling I remember saying to my mum that I wish I could just be ‘normal’ and not need to see a counsellor, and to be able to do things without being so scared all the time. My mum responded with something that’s stuck with me ever since – she said that at some point in their life, everybody is going to be faced with something like anxiety, or having to really push themselves past their comfort zone, and I was just learning the strategies to deal with it earlier, while I was lucky enough to still be in the ultra-supportive environment of my family. That helped me to feel more ‘normal’ and to understand the value of learning how to look after your mental health early in life. Similarly, having all my strategies sorted at a young age meant that when I came to some really stressful periods – like in the months preceding my final IB exams a few months ago – I was able to control my stress and nerves pretty successfully. I’m also l going to uni in two weeks and I’m nervous, but I know that I have enough strategies to confident that I can deal with my nerves.

Another reason I’m “grateful” to have anxiety is because it has (in my humble opinion) made me better at helping my friends. I’ve discovered in the last couple of years that actually quite a few of my friends have had mental health issues of their own, and my early experience of it has helped me support them – I can show them that you can learn to live with and overcome it, can suggest strategies and can be a shoulder to cry on that actually kinda understands a bit of how shit they feel. Its also helped me to discover just how many of my friends have also had experiences of anxiety or counselling, because it helps me to understand that its OK not to feel OK. I’m also really glad that I can use my experiences to help my friends, because isn’t that part of a good friendship?

Anxiety has also taught me that I’m an incredibly determined person and I’m capable of so much more than I believe I am. For example, when I was experiencing probably my worst period of anxiety since year 7, in early 2017, I was also due to be going on a week-long college trip to New York without knowing anybody on the trip – and the girl I had made friends with at the pre-trip meetings had to pull out a week before due to illness. Safe to say, I was terrified, but using a combination of my old and new strategies I went on, and enjoyed, the trip. I now use that trip as a reference point whenever I’m feeling anxious about something – if I can go to New York for a week not knowing anybody, I can do X. Similarly, I know I’m strong enough not to let my anxiety hold me back from making difficult decisions – despite all the unknowns and scary things of leaving the familiarity of my school and my friends and the knowledge my family had of A-levels, I chose to push myself and go to college to do the IB, which turned out to be absolutely the right decision. I ignored all the voices saying it would be easier to stay at school where my head of house knew about my anxiety and where I was with people I’d known for years and instead went to college – something I’m incredibly proud of.

So those are the main reasons I’m oddly grateful – or maybe have made peace with the facet – for my experiences with anxiety. Have you had anything positive come from your experiences with mental health?

 

Snapping Myself Out of It

Today started off as a rough day for me. It was one of those days when you just wake up feeling shitty, and you can’t figure out why, and even worse I had the day off. Normally when I feel like this I get over it by being busy, and over the last month or so I’ve been working pretty much nonstop, either on work experience or waitressing or otherwise seeing friends. Today, however, I had no plans, and as most of my friends are on holiday/one of my best friends is living abroad for a year, I really struggled to snap out of it. I didn’t really have anything to do out of the house and I just didn’t know how to sort myself out, as much as I wanted to.

But I managed it, and I’m so proud of myself. I stuck on the Mamma Mia 2 soundtrack, got in a bit of online shopping (the Urban Outfitters sale is currently 10/10 by the way), and I made myself an amazing breakfast. Then, when I still wasn’t really feeling it, I made an updated ‘happy’ playlist (appropriately titled ‘snap out of it’) and whacked on some eyeliner and a bit of dry shampoo, and instantly felt 1000x better. The rest of the day then carried on OK, with a bit of reading, a bit of rewatching Love Island series 3 (because we all know it was infinitely better than this year’s season), and tidying up some of the mess in my room.

So yeah, I guess I just wanted to document how I managed to pull myself out of feeling shit. More interesting posts to come, promise!

Appreciating The Things That Make Me Happy

It sometimes feels like everywhere you turn – and especially every time you complain about something – you see messages and get told to appreciate the things you’re happy about. This can be seriously annoying at times, but whilst I’m sat on the sofa feeling depressed about doing an 11 hour waitressing shift tomorrow, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to put together a bit of a list of the stuff thats making me happy right now – because if so many people say to count your blessings, there must be some logic in it, right??

Enjoying my work

Despite the aforementioned feeling of dread at this week’s three 11 hour shifts – and the 7 hour shifts last week and next week – I’m almost, dare I say it, enjoying work at the moment. I’ve got a casual summer job with my local uni’s catering company and as I’ve already done quite a few shifts this summer, largely the same type, I’ve got to know quite a lot of the people I’m working with (more impressive than it may seem at first, given I have around 400 potential coworkers!), which has made the daunting task of walking into a super long shift where you’re working with 30+ other people significantly easier. I’m not sure I know anyone working tomorrow, but I’m gonna try and keep myself feeling okay about it, seeing as there’s bound to be at least one person I recognise!

Friends

I’ve been finding myself feeling a little down about some of my friendships lately, largely because one of my closest friends left a month ago to spend a year in Denmark, and I’m not seeing her till Christmas. I’ve been a bit surprised about how much I’ve missed her, but I’m trying to stick in the mindset of ‘at least how much I miss her has shown how much I value her as a friend’. Plus, I’m visiting Copenhagen in December to see her, which is bound to be amazing! I’ve also got another best friend spending a month in America, which is a little tough, but I’m getting to spend more time with some people I used to be friends with at school, which I doubt will be as fulfilling and close as my main friendships, but it can never hurt to have more friends, right?! Also, another of my best friends got back from a year abroad in Provence last week so I can’t wait to see her!!

Independence

I recently passed my driving test (so recently I’m having to use my passport as ID until my licence arrives…) and the ability to just up sticks and go out for the day without relying on buses or train times is so refreshing. It’s let me go and do fun stuff with my friends in more places than I normally can, and it’s great just not to have to rely on anyone.

The weather

Because I am British through and through, the amazing weather we’ve got at the moment had to feature in here. It’s a seriously weird feeling being able to go out without a jumper or a jacket, wearing my bikini three times already this summer (!!) and being able to wear my ‘foreign holiday’ clothes about ten times more than normal!

University

Finally, ever since I got my IB results  I’m so excited to get to uni. I knew where I was going anyway (Birmingham, in case anyone’s interested) because of the nature of my offer, but something about getting my results made a switch flick in my head and I’ve gone from being predominantly nervous to insanely excited. It helps that I’ve recently been able to officially register for uni and I’m finding out about my accommodation in the next two weeks, so I guess it’s all becoming a bit more real. I’m also proud of myself that I’m feeling this way, because I’ve previously been so anxious about going to uni – it feels like a real breakthrough for me, and even if I turn into a wobbly mound of butterflies nearer the time, I’m proud of how I’m feeling now.

What things are making you happy at the moment?

All The Bright Places: Review (mad fangirling) + Playlist

*SPOILER WARNING* (in the second half, anyway)

{via} MEGA cover love, by the way! Kinda sad I only have it as an ebook…

The Playlist (to be read in the X Factor announcer voice, with maximum drama)

First, the playlist, because I don’t think I’m physically capable of reviewing this book without spoilers, and this way you can listen to the playlist even if you haven’t already read the book (which you should 100% do asap, by the way).

Some of the songs I’ve picked are to do with specific aspects of the plot, and some are just general reflections of the book. You can listen to it on Spotify here.

All The Bright Places – Jennifer Niven

• Choices – To Kill A King
• King – Lauren Aquilina
• Unsteady – X Ambassadors
• Weight Of Living Pt. II – Bastille
• Adventure Of A Lifetime – Coldplay
• Alone Too – Ella Eyre
• I’m Yours – Alessia Cara
• American Beauty/American Psycho – Fall Out Boy
• Ain’t Nobody – Jasmine Thompson
• Addicted To You – Avicii
• Runaway (U&I) – Galantis
• Oblivion – Bastille
• Keeping Your Head Up – Birdy
• Bloodsport – Raleigh Ritchie
• Runaway – Ed Sheeran
• Gravity – DJ Fresh ft. Ella Eyre
• Eyes Shut – Years & Years
• Hold Me Up – Conrad Sewell
• Worry – Jack Garratt
• Even If – Ella Eyre
• Sorry – Justin Bieber
• Afire Love – Ed Sheeran

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 The Review (MAJOR SPOILER ALERT)

Oh my God. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. If ever there were a book deserving of the abbreviation OMG, this is it. This is the kind of book that keeps you up until nearly 2am, makes you text multiple friend like I JUST READ A BOOK AND CRIED WHAT DO I DO NOW HELP, makes you want to immediately write about all your (many) feels (probs not a good idea at 2am) and kicks you in the feels REALLY HARD but in a good way as well as a HELP ME I’M CRYING way.

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I don’t know if I was just being incredibly stupid (very possible, I accidentally ate a bit of coffee today because I thought it was Ben & Jerrys. Don’t try it. Eugh) but I didn’t really expect the ending, as in I didn’t think FINCH WAS GOING TO DIE (I am so not over that). Maybe I was being mega naive, but I kinda thought yay this is going to be a happy love story with sunshine and flowers and people overcoming the urge to commit suicide and new web magazines yay. So yeah, that’s the bit that made me cry. And just to be clear: I have a heart of stone when it comes to books. The Fault In Our Stars made me cry, and Wonder *nearly* did, but that’s about it.

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Talking of web magazines, OMG VIOLA HAD A WEB MAG. THAT’S SO COOL. THAT’S KINDA LIKE BLOGGER GOALS FOR ME. That immediately made me think, yes I like this book. Also, the Post-it songs. I love them. And the cute quoting Virginia Woolf. I’m a sucker for quotes, so YES. And the name Ultraviolet Remarkey-able. And the quote, “It’s not a lie if it’s how you feel”. SO MUCH RELATABILITY. SO MUCH CUTENESS. SO MUCH GENERAL YESSSS.

And all the wanderings! I love it! The Blue Flash and Blue Too, the books in trailers, the Purina Tower, all of it, even the places that Viola goes to at the end – the shoe trees and the drive-in and the church. It all just felt so original yet 100% realistic and awesome and WHY CAN’T THERE BE PLACES LIKE THAT IN ENGLAND?! (except maybe there are but I don’t know about them). The Blue Hole I kinda liked but I was slightly less keen on, mainly because of all the temptation for suicide (though let’s be honest, Theodore finds temptation for suicide everywhere) and, *ahem*, the ending. Let’s not go there…

But talking of the ending, omg the song. So sweet. I mean, an explanation might be nice, but as a suicide note it was very poetic. I wonder if with all this memorisation of other people’s suicide notes, Finch was just trying to get inspiration for his. When he takes the sleeping pills, he wants to end on a high, in an almost honourable way, like whoever – was it the Cesare poet guy? – said. But that didn’t happen, so he wanted something different. Maybe he was trying to figure out how to leave a suicide note out of the ordinary, something to remember him by, like an epitaph.

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Another thing: EVERYTHING ABOUT MENTAL HEALTH STIGMAS. About how you get less flowers for a suicide, about Finch’s parents calling it an accident, everything. It’s a kinda scary reflection of modern society, and it opened my eyes to it more than ever.

OK I’m gonna stop now before I ramble on for *too* long. Have you read ATBP? What did you think of it? What songs do you associate with it?