I’m Freaking Out

I’m sorry that this isn’t a very fun or happy post but I’m freaking out and I need to get some stuff straight in my head, and writing feels like the easiest way to do that.

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Maxime Staudenmann / unsplash                                                                                                                   

Today all my friends start sixth form at my old (?!) school, whereas I don’t start college until tomorrow (and then there’s two days of induction before teaching starts next week). And I guess it’s finally hitting me that I’m not with my friends anymore. Almost all of them have gone back to school, ones at a different college which started last Monday and then there’s just three of us waiting to start tomorrow, all doing different subjects and in different tutor groups.

I guess I’m just scared of being replaced, of my friends getting new friends and forgetting about me, which is all kinda expected and natural when moving school but still terrifying. I guess I’m almost a bit jealous of the new people at school, who get to join this friendship group whilst I’m leaving behind seven years of in-jokes and history. Even if you’re not such good friends with someone that you especially want to stay in touch, leaving behind someone you’ve known and who’s been part of your life for seven years is scary and kinda sad.

I know staying on, school would’ve changed – after all, three of my friends also left – and I know I have to at least try college, or I’ll spend the next two years wondering what I missed out on, but I’m nervous about how it’s all going to work, about being slowly separated from all the chat and gossip about school as new, unknown people infiltrate and I slowly become separated. I’m scared that as much as I want to, conflicting schedules or travel complications or just a lack of time and motivation is going to mean I drift apart from all my friends, even the ones I desperately want to stay in touch with. And even though I know I’ll make new friends at college, I can’t just drop my old ones like hot potatoes. Just thinking about all these possibilities is making me so, so tempted just to throw in the towel with college before I’ve even started, and stay on at sixth form. But I’ve said I’m leaving, and I have so many reasons for that, I just have to get through these first few days.

Add all these feelings into nerves about starting college tomorrow and restarting hockey tonight (I feel like I should be more nervous about college but nope, anxiety levels about hockey are way higher) and you can imagine what a bundle of joy I am right now, imagining my friends school routine as I stay at home, thinking about everything I’m missing out on.

I know that within probably a week, everything will feel very different. I’ll probably feel a lot more confident about college and friends and hopefully less jealous and worried about staying in touch, but I guess I’ll find out soon enough. It’s just so scary that the situation I’ve been thinking about (/avoiding thinking about) for the last six months+ is finally here, and about to start for real tomorrow. But today I’m just going to concentrate my nerves on hockey (totally healthy) and try and relax.

 

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20 thoughts on “I’m Freaking Out

  1. Eve @ Twist in the Taile says:

    I’m not really switching schools or having dramatic change right now, but I AM SENDING YOU ALL THE LUCK. ❤ Starting at a new place makes me so anxious, and it's always weird to leave behind such a familiar thing. But at the same time new stuff can be fun too. *nods* Haha I'm commenting on this a little late but I really hope that your start to college was good!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Bella says:

    Good luck in college! I know what its like to be separated from friends you’ve known for so long; it is going to be hard on you, and I’m warning you, you may drift apart a little bit. It took some time to get used the reality, but once I accepted it, I started to enjoy school a lot more and make new friends, while still trying my hardest to maintain a friendship with my older friends. You’ll get through it, I believe in you. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Em is Lost says:

    I hope you get on ok at college. 🙂 I started on Monday and so far most people have been really friendly. Even though most of my friends go to my college, we’re not really in the same lessons so we’re all kind of drifting apart anyway. But honestly, you WILL make new friends and that’s ok because your friends will be making new friends too. But all the years of friendship you shared won’t be undone just because you’re moving in different pathsy 🙂 hope everything goes ok!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Luna says:

    sure your friends might make new friends but you won’t be replaced, just like you’ll make new friends without forgetting the ones you already have. if it makes you feel better don’t call them old friends, just call them friends. it helps remind you that they still care for you as much as ever. hope you’ll feel better. x

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Akanksha Krishnatre says:

    Hey! Relax I too felt the same about 5 months earlier when i had to leave my state and shift to another for my further studies. I left behind the friends and school that i knew for about 12 years. But i can bet on it, in about a week you will find yourself warming up to everything. Just Relax and look forward to all the joy these 2 years will bring you.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Elm says:

    I sort of understand, because one of my friends feel the same. But trust me: you won’t be replaced. Just because you’re in a different college doesn’t mean you’re not their friend any more. Things will be different, but it’ll mean that you can get a fresh start and enjoy yourself with new people. You’ll still have your friends, but it’s okay to feel worried 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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