This post feels kinda awkward/cliché/cringey/weird to write, especially as I have so many other posts I need to get written, but it feels like this post has been trying to literally jump out of my head for the last few days, so I feel like I should stop mentally writing it and just get it out here. Sorry in advance if it sounds awks/embarrassing but just bear with me…
Right, OK. Here goes.
In the last few days I feel like I’ve reached some kind of conclusion or turning point. It feels like something’s happened, though I’m not quite sure what. On Sunday I had the best evening I’ve had in a long time, going to Nando’s for a pre-birthday dinner with my best friend and then watching the new Miles Davis biopic, Miles Ahead (through which I discovered I share a birthday with the one and only Miles Davis. We’re like twins born approximately 74 years apart. It’s a sign, I was clearly meant to play trumpet…) and then having a mini High School Musical karaoke session on the way home. Good times. My point is, it feels like a long time since I’ve enjoyed something that much. I just felt mostly unselfconscious, and happy, and not like I was trying to live up to a bunch of expectations or pretend I knew all seven or however many jazz modes, or trying to play down the nerd reputation I feel like I sometimes have at school or just be anyone other than the music obsessed, bookworm blogger that I feel like I am at my core. So yeah, that was one thing that just put me into a really great mood.
As well as that, I read an article by TV/radio presenter and now actress Jameela Jamil, about taking advantage of and putting ourselves forward for as many opportunities as possible. I guess the article wasn’t really telling me anything I didn’t already know, but somehow it felt different to hear it from a celebrity, for someone that well accomplished to say that it’s OK to fail, that if you never take advantages of some opportunities then yes, you could escape failure and embarrassment, but you could also miss so many great experiences. Something about reading that just cemented in my mind what I think I already knew deep down, that unless I don’t have some massive change of heart between now and September, I’m leaving school and going to college next year, which means I have approximately one week of school left.
(not gonna lie, that makes me terrified. And I fully expect I’ll come home when we finish for study leave and cry and freak out. But hopefully I’ll have consumed enough last day cake to soften the blow and the thought of trying something new will be enough to keep me feeling positive about next year.)
Also, I played trumpet yesterday. Like properly, not just a cursory play through some scales and lip slurs and the piece I’m doing in my lesson that week, but digging out all my old books and just playing for the sheer joy of it. It’s the first time I’ve done that for a while and it was great. I don’t know if I just felt especially inspired after watching Miles Ahead, but I just felt the urge to play and so I did. It was great. I forgot how brilliant it is to play just for fun, until my lip’s gone and it hurts and I’m tired and my right shoulder’s cramped up (pretty sure that’s not a good thing, but I’ll just put it down as me getting too involved in the music…)
And there’s one more thing. This is a bit random, and here’s where the cringiness comes in, but I’ll say it anyway. I think I’ve finally realised that, to an extent, I should do what I want to do and what I deserve. I’m not sure that really makes sense, but what I’m trying to say is that I shouldn’t stop myself from doing something because of what I’m scared other people will think. I should wear what I want, and try not to be too self-conscious, except, y’know, within reason. I should enjoy having the fab friends that I know I have, and just forget about the people where everything is full of drama or barbed comments, because they’re not worth me wasting my time on. I should stop focusing on the people that I feel only talk to me when it suits them or the people that I’m never quite sure where I stand with, and spend time focusing on and talking to the people that want to be friends with me, that start conversations, that are interested in what I have to say and care about what I’m doing. People that I know will stick with me through the hard times, or at the very least won’t drop me as soon as someone more interesting comes along like I’d drop a maths textbook the second the exam’s over. That doesn’t mean I have to ignore or shut anyone else out. It just means I’m not going to waste time and energy on people who, in the end, I’m unlikely to still be in contact with in three years’ time. Instead, I’ll invest that time in the people who matter or are interested.
So I’m absolutely not saying drop all your friends because you think you’re above them or accuse people of not being invested enough in your friendship, but if there’s someone who seems like more trouble than their friendship is worth, maybe reevaluate your approach. Remember that it’s so much more worthwhile to spend the time you’d normally spend arguing with them or stressing over something they did (or didn’t) say or do cultivating a friendship with the people who matter.
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