Being A Wobbly People Pole

(nope, this post is not about pole dancing. Sorry. Or you’re welcome? Idk which you’d prefer…)

“Maybe a person is just made up of a lot of people,” I say. “Maybe we’re accumulating these new selves all the time.”

“Each new self standing on the last one’s shoulders until we’re these wobbly people poles?”

– Jandy Nelson, I’ll Give You The Sun

I feel like I have a fair few different personalities. Like I’m a wobbly people pole, but not only of different personalities replacing each other but different personalities coexisting together. Kinda like those mechanical colouring pencils where you can change which colour crayon you’re using each time, I feel like my personality switches around depending on who I’m with. With some friends, I’m relatively quiet, contained, kinda serious, studious. With another I’m like that but with more laughter and happiness. With another I’m full out hyper and happy and bouncy and bubbly and way more confident, though less so when other people appear as well. With yet another I can rave about music and books, and with another I discuss The Mortal Instruments and fangirl over OMG MORE CASSANDRA CLARE BOOKS YES PLEASE. With one the sarcasm comes out at full force, often unintended, and with another I talk about music as well, but jazz this time.

I feel like I maybe have two friends that I’m the most me version of me with, when I can talk about all kinds of music and books and blogging and Instagram accounts that are basically works of art and the best fanfictions ever and food and accidentally Tumblr things and the stresses of life and just everything and be sarcastic and confident and happy and the most real me I can be.

Then there are my internet, blog friends like Eve who I can (and have) fangirled for hours about Lauren Aquilina and Snarky Puppy with and Elm who has some awesome book recommendations and is good for freaking out about OH FLIP GCSES with and Elly and Michelle and the rest of the blog squad that I can fangirl with and ask for advice from and generally chat to.

It’s weird how many different sides to me there are, now I think about it. There’s the blogger, the secret blogger who isn’t sure who knows she blogs, the one who loves astronomy and philosophy and thinking about things (and spends half her music lessons discussing exactly that), the Instagram obsessive because I have a fascination with pretty photos, the music addict, the book nerd, the reserved me, the shy me, the sarcastic me, the cheerful and loudish me, the confident me, the fangirl, the one who loves going to concerts and playing in gigs, the one who wants to travel, the food lover (though who am I kidding I always love food)…it’s kinda hard to know which me is the most accurate one. I guess it’s the one where I feel most confident, where I feel like I’m most comfortable around my friends who know me like that and where those friends are the ones I immediately think to tell about important stuff.

Maybe it’s just a natural teenage thing or maybe it’s a whole-life thing, but it’s odd and slightly existential-crisis inducing to think about.

“There’s such a lot of different Annes in me. I sometimes think that is why I’m such a troublesome person. If I was just the one Anne it would be ever so much more comfortable, but then it wouldn’t be half so interesting.”

– L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables

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7 thoughts on “Being A Wobbly People Pole

  1. Eve @ Twist in the Taile says:

    I feel you on the existential crisis. I’m pretty sure I wrote something like this at some point…? Maybe it was about the way I spoke to people. I CAN’T REMEMBER. But I really empathise with this — like, there’ s bloggy me talking right now, and then there’s Tumblr me, and there’s school me and with friends me and SO MANY SELVES. Aah it’s just confusing. *waves hands around*

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