Feeling A Bit Bleh

Hey, guys.

I’m gonna warn you now – this post is a bit more personal than normal, but I just wanted to write something and this felt right.

Some of you may know that I play the trumpet, and that I play in a youth jazz orchestra, which I’m now in my fourth year of playing for. within the orchestra, there are two bands – one for older, more experienced jazz players and one for younger ones – a training band, if you like. Everyone, with only a couple of exceptions goes through the younger band for at least a year before being promoted to the senior band.

So what’s this got to do with me feeling rubbish?

Well basically, last year three of my close friends went up to the older band. This year, my other three close friends have too. And I’m still in the younger band. There are probably reasonable reasons for this – three of my friends are at least a year older than me, there are new playing laws about ages for performers and there are only limited places for trumpets. One of my friends that went up this year is a bari sax player, who hardly have much competition, one is a trombone player (same thing applies – there are only I think four trombone players in the whole band) and then the others are sax players, all older than me but one who’s just stupidly talented, and there are generally more openings for sax players than brass. But I’m still feeling a bit shitty (sorry) because two trumpets went up, one of whom’s younger than me and both of them have only been in the orchestra for a year. Granted, they both played trumpet one last year (I played 2) and the younger one is a music scholar, but still. I guess I just really wish I’d moved up, as it feels like it’s now just me and a couple of others left behind in the younger band.

I’m also nervous about the social side of it. The rehearsal days are okay, because there are lots of breaks when I can chat to them absolutely fine, but what about the concerts? We rehearse at different times, so I’m not going to be able to go to the shops or hang around with them much at all.

I’m just nervous.

But I know there are advantages to staying in the younger band – more time to improve my improvisation, more soloing opportunities, the chance to play trumpet one. And I’m sharing trumpet one with the same person as I played 2 with last year, so that’s a laugh. I just feel kinda inadequate, like I’ve been playing for longer than most but still haven’t gone up, like other people are laughing at me. And that’s probably not true, but it doesn’t really change how I feel.

Wow. I felt better writing this than after the rehearsal earlier today, but I think this has helped. Sorry about the slightly more heavy post, but it feels good to get it off my chest.

Thanks for reading,

An Overthinking Teenager

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